Thankful ~ It's not enough, but it's the best I've got!

This month has been overwhelmingly raining, but it makes sunny mornings like today that much sweeter! 5am wake up calls never get any easier, but passing the runners on the East River Drive and the stunning reflection of the morning light on the river as it flows beneath the bridges is one of my favorite things about my morning commute.

A friend sent me a message last night that I read this morning on my drive. I usually am slightly annoyed at group text messages for the obvious reasons, but I liked what this said... "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better...

...the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

I love this. Sometimes I [we] forget that there is a bigger picture and God has not forgotten me. I like to be busy and productive, so I usually carry a heavy load but it's so sweet to be reminded that we're really never really alone - even when we feel like we are, and He's got it covered. 

Maybe you'd say I'm getting old or reading too much into spiritual things. Maybe I am! 

When you feel it, it's amazing - the hope and strength that you feel when you trust God and rely on Him. Life is way to short. I'm learning to appreciate everyone in my life for the times we share together and try to make the most out of every day. It's a fulfilling and refreshing feeling. 

Don't take life too serious. 
Love people. All people. 
               (I'll never say it enough)
Be thankful for what you have.
Tell people you love and appreciate them.
 

My Heart is Full

My heart is feeling full as of late.
The pieces are falling into place
I feel happy
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed
But. I'm. happy.
indescribable.

Something [a lot things] feel so right.
It might have something to do with the renewal of spring. It might be the timing of my life. It might be you. It might be a lot of things...

If its spring, it's the first time I can remember that I truly appreciate spring. The newness of life and the rejuvenation of spirit is intoxicating - even from the countless strangers I share my personal space with on a daily basis in NYC.

I also can't really believe I live here... My drive from work looks sort of like this picture ... And I'm amazed everyday. It feels surreal.

I live in Manhattan. and I couldn't be happier with my life. My job even seems to be better. The commute isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
- I caught myself actually enjoying
the long drive in the morning.

If its timing - I'm more than grateful for your perfect timing. For understanding my needs. For knowing the bigger picture.

If its you - They say you can't have it all. But don't you need someone to love and to love you back.
Does it have to be love - in the sense.
Could it be love - as in presence- "your person."
Were we not created for each other?
I can't see that it would be wrong.
How come you don't see that. Or want that...
I know you're there. Do you have to stay so silent.






We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel






....when the sun rises, my heart will be filled again.

Pickles and Mac'n'Cheese...

It's whats for dinner. 

I think I have a sleeping condition. I sleep all. the. time. I came home with intentions of going to the gym, laid down to watch a movie and relax - 15 minutes into it and I'm out and don't wake up until ten o'clock. This is not the first occasion of these happenings. 

In other news, my NYC adventure continues. Emma and I are moving at the end of the month. I feel like it should be a big deal that I'm moving to Manhattan, but it's more of the fact that I'll be moving to the nicest apartment I've lived in - ever. And I'll have real neighbors. I can't wait!  

Moving a bitter-sweet emotion. While yes, I'll be living in Manhattan (which I never thought I'd be able to afford), I'm going to miss Brooklyn. It's a humble place to be. Quite, distant, but close enough to the city, yet quaint and having lots of character. There are places that I'd love to have lived, however something else was dropped in my lap that can't be passed up. I will be able to visit anytime I'd like, but it's different. Will I visit? How often?  It makes me a little sad.

The emotional bearings that effects me in this moving situation are out of control. I probably knew this would happen, but thought I'd be stronger. Somehow this haunting always follows me, so maybe it's good to get out and start fresh. But I don't know how long it'll let me be...it doesn't ever last for long [enough]. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like weak and vulnerable. I like stability and strength, independence, fight for the win. 

Starting new has to be good. but then....

Then I ask myself if I'm setting myself up again? I hope not. Self-control is a beautiful, yet exhausting task. 

I have a lot of work to do between now and then. Packing, moving, unpacking, making a home. It's going to be great! I love the feeling of starting over.

The weekend after I move, my brother is coming. I can not wait! It's going to be so much fun! Seriously, being far away has made me appreciate my family so much more. Why does life work like that?! Love the people you're with, all the time, with all your heart, and let them know! People deserve to know they are loved and appreciated.

There are a lot of things that are exciting for the future. However, sometimes I don't really see where I will be in those future thoughts. This journey has been a lot of fun and  I have learned a lot along the way.

But I find myself in a slightly unsettled state because I'm not sure what is next. Or maybe how I'll get to the 'next'. Is the rest a guessing game? That's also a lot of effort and time. Time is running out. Or is it? 

Society says so, but my heart only agrees half way. I would love to be part of the societal norm - 26 years-old, dating (maybe, seriously), having a solid foundation of a career, settling down, seeing a family in the future, having a general idea of what the next part of life holds.

However, this is not the reality of my life. I have just picked up my whole life and dumped its components on the floor. I  am starting over. [Am I an idiot!?] I am not dating, and pretty much scared shitless to commit to anything of the like. Yes, I have experience in my field, however, when you start a new school/company, the time to 'prove' yourself is exhausting and takes time. The timing is never definitive and never the same; but is essential to creating that foundational grasp and connection with your workplace and co-workers, making work a semi-enjoyable place to spend the weeks. 

There are a lot of dreams that I'd love to accomplish. But I have no idea how to approach them at this time. Sometimes I think, because I chose to start over, I put myself 5 steps backward in this journey of achieving these dreams. But one of these dreams was to do this.....get here - to NYC - and be teaching, which is exactly what I am doing. 

While my professional journey is all scrambled up, and my emotional state seems to be the same, my spiritual journey seems to be the strongest it's been in a long time. That part of life is so refreshing. It might not look like it to the outside on-looker, but my heart is full and satisfied - but always craving more. It's a peaceful place to be. 

I'm not really sure this post has any direction at all - but these are my thoughts and they're here. I'm not even sure if this blog is read. If not, I don't mind, it just feels good to let things out time and again. 

**Pandora, when you tell me it's taking longer to 'fetch' a song, I no longer thing of musical songs, but of dog parks. However, I like your deviation in vocabulary.**

Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations

... this is what my blog was called when I found her. 

I was recently intrigued to look for this blog that I made so long ago. I had a slight sense of anxiety knowing that I had thoughts and recordings of my life aimlessly wandering the internet world - who knew who has been reading my blog without my knowing. So, last night I set in search to retrieve my blog. It was not as easy as I had hoped. The thought to make a new blog crossed my mind, but that still meant these thoughts would be aimlessly wandering the internet world - And, to be honest, I really wanted to re-read about my time Uganda. So I pursued my search. 

It wasn't until early this morning that I found it. And this was the name.... "Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations" 

 NO WONDER I COULDN'T FIND IT! 

 My only two thoughts on this are: 1) someone got into my account and changed the name or 2) I may have accidentally copy and pasted something into the title. This title may be one of the farthest descriptions of any part of my life! 

 Since the last time I logged in was 2010 I have no way to recall what could be the cause. 

I am just happy to be back. I spent the better part of the afternoon reading about my life 5 years ago. (WOW! That seems so long ago!) It was refreshing to see that, even though a lot has changed, I am still very much the same person inside. Also, this might be a selfish, conceited thought, but I was slightly impressed at my writing ability. Obviously I no novelist, but my thoughts were clear and the vernacular was sort of impressive, or at least to me it was... 

I could have never imagined my life the way it is - 5 years ago. But looking back on my past expressions, I am content with my growings, findings, and adventure. 

 Life in New York:
Has been asked: "Are you living your dream?" 

 I have thoughts on this question... Dreams - are amazing. Some express it as an unrealistic reality, the craziest place they've been, etc. You hear people say things like, "I had the weirdest dream last night..." When I think of dreams, strange, unpredictable things happen in them. Nothing is ever expected, people that you 'know' look like other people, you do things that are very out of character for yourself, you end up in strange places, etc. Get my drift? A dream is never a perfect world that you would want to live in forever. 

So, am I living my dream? Yes! I made it to NYC! and I am teaching! There are absolutely wonderful things about both of those topics. However, neither of them are perfect. There have been and will continue to be struggles. Was any of this what I imagined or 'dreamed' it would look like? Not a chance! Would I change it to go back? Of course not! 

I tend to believe that all things happen for one reason or another. 

In alignment with that statement, I feel blessed to have gotten where I am now. In the span of visiting for a 2-week period, I found a job and an apartment. My job ended up to be amazing and I met so many great people there that helped me acclimate to my new home. It was exactly what I signed up for - restaurant work, a break from teaching (that I needed). My apartment; no it's not my favorite, but I met the greatest roommate ever. Things have worked out so well between us, especially considering it was an at random meeting on craigslist! Surprisingly enough, our lease is up this month, so I am moving locations to a nicer apartment, but keeping the same awesome roommate. 

 Within five months, I was offered a teaching job! I was thrilled! But, as in a dream, it hasn't turned out perfect, but it's a foot in the door to the teaching world in NYC. I am learning to find/search for the good in all situations. I'm learning to use my connections and enjoy where I am at. 

 Since we're all caught up from my 5 year lapse, I'll leave you with this... 

 adventures aren't always perfect or easy - but they're always worth it!

Does time fly or does it stand still?

I doubt this question can ever really be answered.

2 months.
7 months..
1 year...
4 years....

I can wait and wait, but it never seems to go away. Maybe this is that 'first' that they all talk about - it never really goes away. Is it really supposed to be this painful, this far along the road?

Life changes us in so many ways - sometimes over short periods of time but also during long stretches of time. In either situation, I think I've covered them all --- and so have you. There is only so much conditioning I can do. I do things to move on, but that very night, it still haunts me. The next day I wake up and the dream seemed so real. So real it feels like time has moved us together, but I know the reality of it is not so. It's a relentless pang.

I could write this a millions times, twice everyday - but until I find it or resolve this in another manner (which I am quickly running out of outlets) it will not be satiated.

rambling nonsense

I doubt anyone still reads this...so for now it's just a way for me to get my thoughts out.

Do you ever feel like your failing at life? Maybe not failing, but life seems purposeless and you are just not meeting the goal. This morning we talked about when you feel like God is silent or non-existent, that's not the case, it is in those mundane moments that God is holding on to me, moving me through the 'routines' of life only because he has worked the past and knows the future and is working through all of that to provide for me.

These past few months have been that mundane, routine life for me and it's been so long. It's almost exhausting - the kind of exhaustion from working hard and not seeing the fruits of my labor.

- Then I come to the question - "Am I too hard on myself, allowing myself not to see the fruits?" I've always been hard on myself - I don't know how to change that.

My ambitions are high and my efforts are great....but in my eyes they never seem great enough. When will it ever be enough, Will I ever be satisfied and feel confident that I am doing everything I know how to successfully meet that goal (whatever it may be)?

It's impossible to do it on my own. I have come to that conclusion. When will my actions match to that recognition? It's a great deal of humility to let someone else take over. I never feel ready to do that. Just when I think I can give up control - life throws something at me and I loose my focus again, and again, and again.

I'm not really sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but it felt good to get this out.

America?

My whole blog just got deleted. Frustrated.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head right now.

/struggles of life at hand
/missing people I can't ever get back
/battles in my mind
/missing Uganda
...the list seems endless in my mind right now.

people. love. care. kindness. togetherness. wholeness. understanding. appreciation. help. strength. encouragement. melody that is sung in my heart.

PRESENCE.

there will always be a missed opportunity. words not spoken. gratitude not shared. It's love that holds us together.



My mind is a whirlwind. I haven't written since I've been home. bad move. Uganda holds a piece of my heart and my life. I struggle to incorporate that into my 'real' life in America. I know I'm not supposed to hate it, but sometimes that's all I can do.

I've become an assimilator, just like I knew I would. disappointed.

**One who slides into normal life, 'forgetting' the experience, compartmentalizing, lack of integration.

I should have known. It's scary how easily I have become sucked into this rat race of a so called life.

I miss sitting with my family and doing...well, nothing. Watching TV, sitting around the charcoal stove cooking matooke, sitting out on the compound watching Flavia and William dance for me.
The stillness of the morning and the chirping of the birds (which sounded more like monkeys and frogs). Walking to school and seeing the hustle and bustle of people walking to and fro to their shop, talking with one another, sweeping the dust around the store front. I miss the friendly faces.


I feel like this is all a dream and I'm waiting to wake up at UCU in my dorm, under my mosquito net, listening to the birds squawk outside my window. I'm slowly realizing that dream is fading and there is no answer to when I will be back.



Life was simple, I didn't have to try to make it be that way.

My mind is a whirlwind right now, if you can't already tell. It's 3 am and I've had a lot on my mind.


This place is haunted. I can't find that place, that place to sit and think and remember my african what? ...my african experience. That life changing time has quickly slipped into a 'compartment' and comes out when i let it. Although, at times I feel like my mind never leaves there. I feel out of place, misunderstood, overlooked, incapable of explanation, .....

Break down. Yup
Confused. mmmm.
Displaced. you betcha.



"I straddle two worlds. One foot in America. One foot in Africa. My heart is split. It's an awkward place to be, as it stretches the legs upon which I stand. I would prefer to be in one place instead of straddled awkwardly across an ocean. Contrary to American doctrine, however, i think we are supposed to be a little bit uncomfortable as we live within the tensions of this complicated world."

"It would be wrong for us to close our eyes and our hearts to everything that we have learned. Our experiences won't let us do that. Our passion and anger and hope don't give us permission to abandon these experiences, because the time we have spent in Africa is beautiful and tragic, rich and life-giving, horrible and yet redemptive."


^It's nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle.


i saw what i saw and i can't forget it
i heard what i heard and i can't go back
i know what i know and i can't deny it

your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what i'm afraid of
and what i know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
your courage asks me what i am made of
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
and what i know of love
and what i know of god

~Sara Groves

I'll stop boring you with my squirrel-like thinking. I'll sleep on this for a while.