My whole blog just got deleted. Frustrated.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head right now.
/struggles of life at hand
/missing people I can't ever get back
/battles in my mind
/missing Uganda
...the list seems endless in my mind right now.
people. love. care. kindness. togetherness. wholeness. understanding. appreciation. help. strength. encouragement. melody that is sung in my heart.
PRESENCE.
there will always be a missed opportunity. words not spoken. gratitude not shared. It's love that holds us together.
My mind is a whirlwind. I haven't written since I've been home. bad move. Uganda holds a piece of my heart and my life. I struggle to incorporate that into my 'real' life in America. I know I'm not supposed to hate it, but sometimes that's all I can do.
I've become an assimilator, just like I knew I would. disappointed.
**One who slides into normal life, 'forgetting' the experience, compartmentalizing, lack of integration.
I should have known. It's scary how easily I have become sucked into this rat race of a so called life.
I miss sitting with my family and doing...well, nothing. Watching TV, sitting around the charcoal stove cooking matooke, sitting out on the compound watching Flavia and William dance for me.
The stillness of the morning and the chirping of the birds (which sounded more like monkeys and frogs). Walking to school and seeing the hustle and bustle of people walking to and fro to their shop, talking with one another, sweeping the dust around the store front. I miss the friendly faces.
I feel like this is all a dream and I'm waiting to wake up at UCU in my dorm, under my mosquito net, listening to the birds squawk outside my window. I'm slowly realizing that dream is fading and there is no answer to when I will be back.
Life was simple, I didn't have to try to make it be that way.
My mind is a whirlwind right now, if you can't already tell. It's 3 am and I've had a lot on my mind.
This place is haunted. I can't find that place, that place to sit and think and remember my african what? ...my african experience. That life changing time has quickly slipped into a 'compartment' and comes out when i let it. Although, at times I feel like my mind never leaves there. I feel out of place, misunderstood, overlooked, incapable of explanation, .....
Break down. Yup
Confused. mmmm.
Displaced. you betcha.
"I straddle two worlds. One foot in America. One foot in Africa. My heart is split. It's an awkward place to be, as it stretches the legs upon which I stand. I would prefer to be in one place instead of straddled awkwardly across an ocean. Contrary to American doctrine, however, i think we are supposed to be a little bit uncomfortable as we live within the tensions of this complicated world."
"It would be wrong for us to close our eyes and our hearts to everything that we have learned. Our experiences won't let us do that. Our passion and anger and hope don't give us permission to abandon these experiences, because the time we have spent in Africa is beautiful and tragic, rich and life-giving, horrible and yet redemptive."
^It's nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
i saw what i saw and i can't forget it
i heard what i heard and i can't go back
i know what i know and i can't deny it
your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what i'm afraid of
and what i know of love
we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
your courage asks me what i am made of
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
and what i know of love
and what i know of god
~Sara Groves
I'll stop boring you with my squirrel-like thinking. I'll sleep on this for a while.
